Insecurities

Whenever university gets too hard, I start to panic.

My final year of high school was absolute hell on my nerves and my sense of self-worth. My motivation plummeted, and I've found it impossible to get my previous work ethic back, no matter how hard I try. I'm in university now, and I'm lucky enough to be enrolled in my dream course - which is, funnily enough, high school teaching.

I live in constant fear of ending up like my aunt, who wanted to become a primary school teacher and didn't get the grades. She's a teacher's aid now, and she's happy enough, but I wouldn't be able to settle for something else. Even though I'm in my dream university course right now, I'm constantly afraid of failure, and it's really taxing on my motivation. After all, I can't start anything if I'm worried that I'll mess it up. I need to learn to get out of this mindset. I need to be more positive.

It's not my only fear related to teaching, though. I'm also worried that I'll be unsuited to the job. I love encouraging people to learn, and I love talking about history, but it's not enough. One of my lecturers is, quite honestly, the most boring man I've ever met. He's dry and lifeless, even though it's obvious that he loves what he's talking about. I'm afraid of being like that. I'm afraid of not being able to control my class. I'm afraid of being disliked for being too harsh, or being taken advantage of because I'm too nice.

On my first day at university, they told us there's a 50% dropout rate for teachers within their first 5 years of teaching. I'm really afraid that I'll be one of them.

I know that a lot of my fears are unfounded. I'm a perfectionist, I have low self-esteem, depression and an anxiety disorder. I'm far too hard on myself. After all, I'm clever, and if I made it through my last year of high school, I can make it through anything! But the future is big and unknown, and that's always going to be scary.

I just have to remain positive, and keep working toward my goal, no matter how afraid I am. Cute motivational pugs definitely help in this regard.

source: tumblr