Today I found out that two teachers from my old school were having an affair. One teacher lost her job, but the other was allowed to keep his due to his high position in the school, if he so wished. He, however, resigned.
I'm quite saddened by what happened; I was taught by both of them during my years at school, and one of the teachers in question served as my motivation and inspiration to become a teacher myself. Both of them are greatly loved in the school, and many students - past and present - are upset about what happened.
But it's scared me a little, too.
As a lesbian, I know that my career is going to be heavily affected by my personal life. I know that, as a future high school teacher, I'm going to have to go to great lengths to keep my orientation, my "lifestyle", private and hidden. I'm currently hiding it from my family, and I've always accepted that my life will be full of white lies and compartmentalisation. It's an unfortunate way to live, but it's what I have to do. I always thought I'd be okay with it, that I could handle it.
But this has scared me, because it's so close to home. The teacher lost her position because they were spotted by parents, and I can't help but think - what if that was me? If I was spotted by the wrong people, I could be stalked, attacked, abused. There are so many things that could happen to me that would be worse than being fired. I'm used to hiding it from my family, but this is a whole new pressure that I'm very afraid of dealing with in the future. One wrong step and my career could end; my home, my partner and my personal safety could be jeopardised.
It hurts, knowing that my career can't be reconciled with my life choices; with who I am as a person. Maybe someday it won't be so bad, but for now I have to continue hiding.
I'm not sure how I feel right now, or what my motivation was for this post. I think I just needed somewhere to vent.
Monday 20 April 2015
Friday 10 April 2015
Insecurities
Whenever university gets too hard, I start to panic.
My final year of high school was absolute hell on my nerves and my sense of self-worth. My motivation plummeted, and I've found it impossible to get my previous work ethic back, no matter how hard I try. I'm in university now, and I'm lucky enough to be enrolled in my dream course - which is, funnily enough, high school teaching.
I live in constant fear of ending up like my aunt, who wanted to become a primary school teacher and didn't get the grades. She's a teacher's aid now, and she's happy enough, but I wouldn't be able to settle for something else. Even though I'm in my dream university course right now, I'm constantly afraid of failure, and it's really taxing on my motivation. After all, I can't start anything if I'm worried that I'll mess it up. I need to learn to get out of this mindset. I need to be more positive.
It's not my only fear related to teaching, though. I'm also worried that I'll be unsuited to the job. I love encouraging people to learn, and I love talking about history, but it's not enough. One of my lecturers is, quite honestly, the most boring man I've ever met. He's dry and lifeless, even though it's obvious that he loves what he's talking about. I'm afraid of being like that. I'm afraid of not being able to control my class. I'm afraid of being disliked for being too harsh, or being taken advantage of because I'm too nice.
On my first day at university, they told us there's a 50% dropout rate for teachers within their first 5 years of teaching. I'm really afraid that I'll be one of them.
I know that a lot of my fears are unfounded. I'm a perfectionist, I have low self-esteem, depression and an anxiety disorder. I'm far too hard on myself. After all, I'm clever, and if I made it through my last year of high school, I can make it through anything! But the future is big and unknown, and that's always going to be scary.
I just have to remain positive, and keep working toward my goal, no matter how afraid I am. Cute motivational pugs definitely help in this regard.
My final year of high school was absolute hell on my nerves and my sense of self-worth. My motivation plummeted, and I've found it impossible to get my previous work ethic back, no matter how hard I try. I'm in university now, and I'm lucky enough to be enrolled in my dream course - which is, funnily enough, high school teaching.
I live in constant fear of ending up like my aunt, who wanted to become a primary school teacher and didn't get the grades. She's a teacher's aid now, and she's happy enough, but I wouldn't be able to settle for something else. Even though I'm in my dream university course right now, I'm constantly afraid of failure, and it's really taxing on my motivation. After all, I can't start anything if I'm worried that I'll mess it up. I need to learn to get out of this mindset. I need to be more positive.
It's not my only fear related to teaching, though. I'm also worried that I'll be unsuited to the job. I love encouraging people to learn, and I love talking about history, but it's not enough. One of my lecturers is, quite honestly, the most boring man I've ever met. He's dry and lifeless, even though it's obvious that he loves what he's talking about. I'm afraid of being like that. I'm afraid of not being able to control my class. I'm afraid of being disliked for being too harsh, or being taken advantage of because I'm too nice.
On my first day at university, they told us there's a 50% dropout rate for teachers within their first 5 years of teaching. I'm really afraid that I'll be one of them.
I know that a lot of my fears are unfounded. I'm a perfectionist, I have low self-esteem, depression and an anxiety disorder. I'm far too hard on myself. After all, I'm clever, and if I made it through my last year of high school, I can make it through anything! But the future is big and unknown, and that's always going to be scary.
I just have to remain positive, and keep working toward my goal, no matter how afraid I am. Cute motivational pugs definitely help in this regard.
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| source: tumblr |
Wednesday 8 April 2015
An Introduction
Hi, I'm Dinah!
Well, no, I'm actually not. My real name is a secret.
I've been blogging on and off for years, and the only time it's ever stuck is when I used a fake name and kept it a secret from my real-life friends and family. I like being candid and open on my blog, and I find it hard to do so when people I know can access this information before I decide to share it with them.
My blog gets pretty personal sometimes, but overall I just want to have fun and share my thoughts with people. I've missed blogging, and I'm really eager to get back into it!
Well, no, I'm actually not. My real name is a secret.
I've been blogging on and off for years, and the only time it's ever stuck is when I used a fake name and kept it a secret from my real-life friends and family. I like being candid and open on my blog, and I find it hard to do so when people I know can access this information before I decide to share it with them.
My blog gets pretty personal sometimes, but overall I just want to have fun and share my thoughts with people. I've missed blogging, and I'm really eager to get back into it!
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